Baby Stone in September 2012
When I had my first baby, I was almost obsessive about breastfeeding. Desperately wanting to bond right off the bat with my new daughter, I was sure it would be the most simple and natural thing in the world to give birth and then nurse.
And for some women, it may very well be.
Although, I am NOT like those women.
Out of my 16 children, I have breastfed 12 of them. Some for as little as a few days, most for six months, some for as long as 18 months. And when it went well, it was a wonderful bonding experience.
But when it went south, it was really hellish. Seriously. A nightmare.
Some women are built like an evenflo nipple. Not to be crass, but I am not. In fact, I think God put my nipples on backwards…proof that aside from giving a short-tempered woman like myself 16 children, He really does have an incredible sense of humor. This has led to weeks of cracked and bleeding nipples…and over 12 tries at breastfeeding that’s like…an eternity.
Secondly, I have friends that produce enough milk to feed a small country…or power a hydroelectricity plant. I, on the other hand, squeak by one half ounce at a time. I drink gallons of water, eat like a horse, take the tea, get off my feet, try the natural supplements…I even gave in to drinking beer at one point because someone suggested it would help with milk supply…all for naught.
Third, what I do produce anymore looks like grey dishwater. No longer is it the nice buttery yellow milk that is creamy when gazed upon after painstakingly pumping…no…that hasn’t been produced out of this body in over six years. In fact, the last few babies I tried to nurse were having challenges gaining weight because of the inadequate caloric makeup of my milk. I have dear friends that produce loads of what I call “seal milk.” Their little babies are as wide as they are long, rolls and rolls of fat after just a couple of months. Wish I could say I produced such milk…but alas this body only makes skim.
And finally, all those things put together with how completely exhausted and overwhelmed I felt postpartum in large part due to the stress of nursing led me several years ago to just NOT. Just throw in the towel. Just pass that little newborn a bottle and forgetta-about-it.
And you know what? It solved so much for me. It made me able to give baby to daddy the first night after birth so I could sleep. It allowed me to have joy when feeding baby instead of whimpering and crying out in pain as the baby latched on those first few weeks. It gave me the freedom to take a break if necessary without fear of being called home because baby was crying and could be hungry.
The 21-year-old me would have never believed that the 42-year-old me would say these things. But I share them with you in case you struggle with nursing and bottle-feeding guilt has taken any part of your joy. I know there will be moms who read this and contend that they can no longer listen to anything I have to say because they are so serious about breastfeeding. But these aren’t the ladies I’m writing for today. I’m writing to relieve your bottle-feeding guilt no matter why you chose not to breastfeed. My reasons are varied and some you may agree with and others may not be the same reasons for you at all. No worries, mum. Carry on. No guilt or shame allowed. Feed that baby however you have to and move forward in confidence. You can’t look at my family photos and tell me which ones were breastfed and which were bottle-fed!
Kelly says
Thanks Lyette! It’s by surprise that baby #5 has been happy with breastfeeding (my last 2 bio births were nightmarish breastfeeding attempts) but when some people hear that a few of my precious children have been bottle fed and that I’m fully okay with any future children being on formula their tone changes and they start saying things that ultimately means “you should not have any more kids if you’re not going to breastfeed”
Lord have mercy! Us Mommas need encouraging and more building up of one another! Let’s bag this contention and competition between one another and just bring on the support! Bigger fish to fry, my dear friends
Lyette Reback says
Truthfully, as a mom with kids from baby to twenty, in the long run I can tell you that IT DOES NOT MATTER. No judgement. No casting stones. What works wonderfully for some moms is a complete nightmare for others. We HAVE to encourage and build one another up and stop thinking that WE know what is best for someone else, their family, their marriage or their situation. And love on. Exactly, bigger fish to fry.
Julie says
I totally relate. I had no problems breastfeeding my first eight children. When number nine was born, in the middle of our house construction and family cancer crisis, I blamed the situation — not my old body (36!) — for my inadequate milk supply. Thankfully, I was surrounded by wise friends who absolved me of my “failure” (it did feel like failure to my total-breastfeeding self) and encouraged me to supplement with formula. My sunken-eyed newborn miraculously began to gain and thrive on that powdered stuff! When number 10 arrived a few years later, with none of the accompanying chaos — my nest complete, my family thriving — and I still had little to no milk, I did not miss a beat but began supplementing immediately. I am thankful that with age comes wisdom, and that those “absolutes” of my 20s child-bearing years mellowed into common sense. A healthy child is the goal. Let us not make breastfeeding an idol.
Lyette Reback says
Amen Julie. My milk is not what it was at 21. Or at 31. I am 42 and after breastfeeding 12 children I have very low calcium and truthfully have quite a few dental issues. Breastfeeding is out for me for those and about a dozen other reasons. With age and experience does come wisdom, and that is why I have the blog, the book, and the guts to write a post that is counter cultural like this for moms who are crying and struggling and letting their challenges with breastfeeding steal even an ounce of their parenting joy.
Jennifer says
I worked in mother-baby hospital units for years as a nurse and experienced all sorts of excuses/ reasons given for not breastfeeding. It took me several years to really truly understand these (it did not help that I’d never been a mother) things. When I finally got married and had kids of my own- I struggled with having enough milk for the first because I was pregnant and working outside the home long long days and pumping isn’t the same as nursing AND I had a biter. Lord have mercy the biting. We welcomed my second baby 3 days after the first’s first birthday and I took two different medication to help with milk production. I pumped with every kind of commercial pump that could be had as well as a non-electric one that I worried would yank my nipple right off. The week I went back to work this kid went on a nursing strike and was never nursed again. I cannot tell you how much I regret the worry and gnashing of the teeth of all this. It robbed me of a lot of joy over my babies! I regret the things I might have said that guilted the new mothers I worked for into breastfeeding. I think you’re so right- with age should come wisdom! It never occurred to me that my age might have contributed to my milk production issues. Ding Ding Ding!
Lyette Reback says
Thank you for sharing your story, I know it is hard to reflect back and see our mistakes but if we share them perhaps we can help another mom over a tough hump. Thank you again and God bless you and yours!
Sandra says
I LOVE this! I have 5 kids all of which have been nursed the first 3 months of their lives…..but I was much like like you with my first…I wanted to nurse and only nurse so badly…it was horrible…it also produce hardly any milk, baby didn’t gain weight,etc…when I finally gave him formula he would never nurse again (not that I blame him) so when baby #2 came 15 mos later I decided I would nurse and supplement formula…which worked for us and the other 3 kids that followed! All of my children are very intelligent and they are rarely sick(things that you worry about when not breastfeeding….like you solely will control whether your kids go to Harvard and if they live a long healthy life by the power of your breastmilk. I have many friends who breastfed beautifully well and I am all for it….but if it stresses you out and ruins the precious time with your baby its not the end of the world! If all mommas would rally around each other in support these stigmas wouldn’t exist! We are all doing the best we can for our babies and it’s not the same things for everyone!
Lyette Reback says
Great comment Sandra. My one child who never nursed is 8 and has been on antibiotics like…twice. He’s BRILLIANT. And he’s amazing. Breastfeeding had nothing to do with it…just lots of love! xoxox
Michelle says
Thank you so much for writing this, Lyette. I breastfed my first baby for 18 months and my second for 2 years. It never occurred to me that I would face any problems doing the same for baby number 3. But it was a total nightmare, for us both. I was in agony, my baby was hungry ALL the time and the pain I was in was disrupting my let-down reflex, so I couldn’t produce enough milk. I wasn’t sleeping, I was exhausted and rapidly becoming depressed. Our whole family was suffering. Bottle feeding was a godsend for us. I felt terribly guilty at the time, as though I was letting my baby down – but not any more! My husband loved being able to bottle feed our son and neither of us felt that our bonding with him was impaired.
I have read Christian articles that spiritualize breastfeeding almost to the extent of making it doctrinal standard for Christian womanhood. I know that this post will help many women exercise their choice without guilt or shame.
Lyette Reback says
Thank you Michelle. Thank you for that comment. Well said.
Jennifer says
Michelle hit the nail on the head!
Elizabeth says
I am disappointed. I hope you pray about this. I will be. It sounds like you don’t have the proper support systems in Place. What women pump is different than what babies can get out. You can’t tell my looking at an older child who is fed formula and who is fed breastmilk but I can tell looking at babies who is fed what. What breastmilk does to the inside is far better than what formula could ever do. Please try again. Your baby, every baby deserves to be breastfed or have breastmilk. If you can not produce, formula is not the next answer. Try breastmilk donation. Milk to milk sharing…… Even Jesus had breastmilk. If we are living a Godly life we must do as the bible says.
Lyette Reback says
I have tried to reply to this a number of times…and alas, words fail me. Which is saying something, since I am a writer. God bless you…that is all.
Karen Vaughn says
LOLOLOL
Pamela says
Lyette,
Love this post! Breast is best… unless it disrupts your whole family and makes mom a grouch and the baby fussy! After I had twins that were 14 months older than my first daughter, I could not keep up with milk supply or my sanity. So, I switched to formula. It. was. a. game. changer! The girls were happier, I was happier and that was a win-win for my whole family. When I had my son a few months ago, they asked me about a million times if I was going to breast feed in the hospital and I felt confident in my decision that I was not! Finally learning what works best for my family.
Lyette Reback says
Good on you Pam. I remember the first time I chose right out of the gate not to breastfeed. I had a broken pelvis at delivery and knew that within two months we would be adopting a new baby. All other things aside, I knew what I COULD and COULD NOT handle. And breastfeeding with bloody nipples went right out the window.
Gina says
Well said, Lyette! Thank you for sharing. Wisdom speaking?
Elizabeth says
are you really not going to try? Why not just try it could work out. I think perhaps it’s the title of this that gets me. I had to battle a mental illness with my decision to breastfeed. I have to go off my meds to have children and nurse.
Lyette Reback says
Everyone does what is best for them and their baby and I know what is best for us. If you’re that committed to breastfeeding and it works for you, then good for you and your family. After 21 years of parenting and 16 babies, I know what works best for us. And the title was intentional…I meant to affirm those moms who struggle like I have and give them a solid pat on the back and tell then that their personal decision is ok. After having dealt with guilt and judgement for some of my parenting decisions it is my whole hearted duty to encourage moms who struggle.
Jody says
I never had trouble with my six and I enjoyed it immensely, and I LOVE THIS POST!!! I had friends who dreaded answering this question and were made to feel like they weren’t giving their child the best possible nourishment and that is unacceptable! You are right to encourage and liberate those moms and remind them that they are doing a great job! I bet if they tested some more watery breastmilk (mine was skim too), they might find that it was lacking. I agree with your statement about doing what is right for your family in whatever season you’re in! No guilt! No shame! I’m so happy you have a plan in place and won’t have to live through bloody and cracked nipples!! My sister had that and gave up the nursing; bonding time it was NOT! You can bond over a bottle, a book, a toy or a song! We need to cheer each other on!! How nice that the siblings and Dad can share in the special quiet times of feeding! Enjoy your new little one and by all means, keep writing! 🙂
Lyette Reback says
love to you and yours Jody. Thanks for the encouraging and understanding, even though you did not share in the same struggles. As moms, we WILL ALL have our struggles and if I remember correctly, one of the first verses I taught my kids came from !Thessalonians 5, “Therefore, encourage one another…just as in fact you are doing.” Thank you for always encouraging and lifting others up!
Kristin says
Thank you for the encouragement!!! I worked full time with my first baby but was able to pump for the first 9months. I tend to be a cow and my milk steals everything from me and gives my babies lovely rich milk. That being said baby number two came and it was terrible. My husband (a disabled vet) was having mental health issues after her birth. I got mastitis four times in a three month time span. My sweetie was terrible at nursing. We got helped and tried. I cried a lot. But after four horrible months of trying to hold together everything while constantly being on antibiotics and being sick from nursing. I had to throw in the towel. I wanted to nurse so badly. I beat myself up and felt so guilty for quitting. But my family was literally falling apart. Something had to give. My little one is 9months a thriving on formula. I am thankful I have that option for her. My daughter is healthier and my family is healthier if I am healthier. Sometimes we have to let go! Again thank you for your love and support!!
Lyette Reback says
Yes Darling…sometimes we have to let go. Let go. And be thankful that we do have options and can make our lives easier if we have to, or want to. I hope and pray your husband is doing better now and please let us know how we can pray and encourage him and you in this challenge. Thank him please for his sacrifice on our behalf and thank you for being a supportive and encouraging wife. Much much love to you both!
Sosm says
I wish I could have read this blog post eight years ago when I struggled with my desire to breastfeed and my body’s inability to do so despite my valiant effort. I felt so guilty and judged by other mothers. Thankfully, my husband who is a physician supported my decision and our beloved baby thrived. I now have four beautiful, happy,and healthy children who were all primarily bottle fed and are doing great! Other mothers can be so judgmental and cruel regarding bottle feeding. We need to support each other and respect personal decisions about how we choose to nourish or babies. Best wishes to you and your beautiful family.
Rachel says
THANK YOU for living out God’s word. While guilt rages you are always here to encourage. My kids are going to cherish and remember how strongly I loved them and supported them, not how long, or even if, I breastfed them.
Barbara says
Lyette, thank you for sharing wisdom. Yes, I was one of those guilt ridden first time mothers 24 years ago trying to breastfeed never thinking how difficult it could be for some mothers. My baby was not gaining weight, I went to a the local head of La Leche who was also a nurse at St. Mary’s. She evaluated my breastfeeding and said it appeared I was doing it correctly, but it was painful the whole time and my baby was always hungry so I never got a break from the pain until that glorious day when my sister came to visit and gave me a bottle because I had none and she encouraged me to try. It was glorious! My son’s tummy finally was full, he started gaining weight, and my husband (who felt terrible knowing how painful it was for me) could now help! Everyone was happy, thank you Lord. I did have to deal with other mothers giving me the guilt and shame treatment, but it was an opportunity for me as a new mother to do what was best for my family even if it wasn’t what others thought I should do. If only I had studied Galatians back then and realized God doesn’t want me to be a people pleaser, instead just please God and all will go well with my soul.
lauren says
Just bottle fed my 3 month old to sleep and tears streamed down my face reading this knowing we all have reasons for making the decisions we do. The guilt I feel over a not so lovely breastfeeding experience (twice) is overwhelming at times. Thank you so much for this honest post. It has helped me.
Gwendolyn says
Thank you for this post. I am a first time mother and spent most of my pregnancy hearing breast is best. I have always wanted to be a mother and didn’t need convincing to breastfeed. Unfortunately my body did not agree with my desire to breastfeed and only produces one ounce a day. . . hardly enough for even a snack for a child. My pediatrician told me,it was time to,use formula. Not only was I heartbroken, but I immediately felt so much shame that I,wasn’t able to feed my son breast milk. Posts like these remind me feeding my son is what is important and no matter how I do it I am doing a good job. Thank you.