It’s Valentines…a day where husbands (should) spoil their wives with chocolates and flowers. A sweet card full of gushy memories. A nice dinner out with your sweetheart.
Ahhhhh…l’amour.
Recently a father wrote me asking about how to relate to his teenage daughter. How can he read her? Know what she needs? Understand what she is really asking for? And I thought this being the season for LOVE maybe I could help you dads out a bit. Woman to man.
I’ll let you in on some secrets for what women want…really want. Even if they are young women under your roof calling you Daddy.
You can thank me later.
Little girls, medium girls, big girls and women are all pretty much the same. I’ve got ten daughters and 41 years of being a female under my belt…so I have a little expertise on the subject of girlhood.
How to spell LOVE…
First of all, for many girls love is a four letter word spelled T-I-M-E. Giving the gift of your time speaks volumes about their worth in your eyes. Some simple ways to spend time together include making a meal, going out for ice cream, seeing a movie or some simple physical activity like running together. Teenagers especially like to DO something and you’ll find that as your “doing” they’ll start talking. Take the time to do something together. Maybe even make it a weekly thing– on Thursdays Daddy takes me on a run or to the movies. Thursday is Daddy’s night. Make that a habit long enough and you’ll see your little sweetheart begin to save those open ended questions she’s pondering for the evening runs.
Write a Love Letter…
Secondly, write letters. Writing a note once a week is a simple way to reinforce in writing what you may have been saying all along that you feel hasn’t sunken in. “Daddy loves you. You can trust Daddy. I am here for you. I may not know everything about being a girl but I wanna know everything about MY girl. I will always listen to you, sweetheart. Daddy loves you with all his heart. You can even add an open ended question at the end to see if that little darling will write you back!”
Write these letters frequently and it may be months before you ever get a note in return. She may not even acknowledge that she received it. But trust me, she cried when she read it and fell asleep holding it. In fact, if you go look, I’ll bet it’s under her pillow.
You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’…
Remember when she was tiny and she would just drape across you so casually? She would slip her hand into yours as you walked into church? How she kissed you openly in the park? And then she went and grew up on ya.
Darn it. I hate it when that happens.
And now she’s got curves. And long hair. And she is beginning to look so womanly…you haven’t held hands in four years and tight hugs and kisses have been off the radar for longer than you’d care to admit. I know…I understand. Affection can be awkward at best once they begin to fill out and strained at worst because they are so afraid of public perception by their peers.
Well never you mind Papa. No matter how long it has been, you just start reaching out again. Hold her hand at the movies. Hug her so tightly and tell her how precious and beautiful she is. Cup her face in your hands and swear you’ve never seen anything so lovely– pimples, braces and glasses included. Sure it may seem strange at first...but so does any new habit. In time you will have rekindled the sweet affection between you and your teen and she may say she hates it or thinks it’s weird but trust me– she revels in it secretly. Go on and do it. Every little girl needs to be held and loved on.
Goodnight Sweetheart…
Lastly, tuck her in. Today’s teens go to bed far too late and spend half the night on their phones. No later than 10:30 get that girl in her pajammies and into bed. Pull the covers up to her chin and kiss her head. Whisper a soft prayer over her and make sure you remind her that you love her infinitely and her Heavenly Father is crazy about her too. If you want to really spoil her have a copy of some big thick chapter book. A couple nights a week let her fall asleep to the sound of your voice reading “Carry On Mr. Bowditch” or “Robin Hood.”
And voila Daddy…you will have won the heart of your daughter. What I have described is simple, but I know it’s not easy. Just dive on in and trust this mama with a house full of femininity that these sweet gestures are worth every ounce of awkwardness in the eyes of your sweet little girl who is not so little anymore.
Amanda says
LOVE these tips!!!! I treasure every single note my daddy wrote me to this day!! Xoxo
Lyette Reback says
You are blessed to have them Amanda. xoxoxoxo
Juli Urban says
What a great article to read as my daughter turns 18 this Sunday! My son Joey was on your flag football team this year and I always admired your family seeing you all together! Just want to let you know I am enjoying reading your articles;)
Lyette Reback says
Thanks Juli! Happy 18th to your sweetheart!
rajendra says
good
Mary says
Can you comment on how to help fathers love their daughters after they have abandoned them? Years ago, my son had an affair and abandoned his family, including his daughters (my granddaughters) who are now in their 20s. Recently, he has wanted to reconnect with them, but he doesn’t know how. When he left, he stopped supporting the girls emotionally, financially, and spiritually, so he doesn’t know how to go about reestablishing relationships with them. Any advice?
Lyette Reback says
What a tough situation…I’ve been thinking about your question. I think maybe it’s best to put ourselves in the daughter’s shoes and think about what they may feel. Perhaps beginning with a steady stream of letters. Consistently writing them once a week or using some cards that express some of his sentiment. Maybe after writing them consistently (handwritten letters are rare, precious, and have another entire degree of seriousness than a text or email) for a while they will have softened, and be ready to begin a relationship. The reason I suggest writing consistently ahead of other methods of contact is that initially, the young ladies may think that he’s just popping in and will vanish after a while. But by demonstrating consistency, he’ll be building trust. All the best. No relationship is ever beyond repair. It just takes time, consistency, and empathy.
Jennifer says
Mary- what a tough situation and what a great opportunity! My father and I have had similar relationship. While it has not been easy, I’ve forgiven him and we talk maybe once or twice month on the phone and he visits my family once or twice a year. It’s hard, but this has greatly improved MY life. You can support your granddaughters by listening to them and encouraging him even when it seems like his daughters aren’t especially welcoming. This experience has deepened my faith tremendously. I think Lyette’s suggestion is a great one- especially if your son is able to reflect on things that happened way back them and to imagine what a reasonable vision of the future might look like.