Expecting with Verity October 2013
C- section or natural childbirth. Medication-free childbirth. Homebirth. Breastfeeding.
Eating all organic. Gluten-free. Grind your own wheat and raise chickens for the eggs.
Homeschooling. Unschooling. Co-Ops with copious amounts of homework.
It can become a mommy brag-fest. The questions I get asked and conversations I can get dragged into can take a turn into some sort of “we only” or “I never” flavor and the mother I am speaking with begins to explain to me the merits of her methodology. It’s as though she is keeping score on a game I never agreed to play. I get one point because the babies all came out of my vagina, but I lose that point quickly because I took pain medication. I then get half a point back because although I took the pain medication, three times out of eleven it did not work. Silly me, I obviously did not know the risks involved with epidurals. Now she is going to educate me.
Oh, I only breastfed 12 children, and only one for over a year? I obviously don’t get points for any of them except the one I nursed for one year. Any good mommy must meet or exceed the twelve months expectation. I actually chose to bottlefeed three children? Didn’t I know that those children would be less bonded to me, less intelligent? Any point I may have gotten for breastfeeding only one child for over a year is now seriously in question. And since my children eat Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms, I must not know all the dangers of processed foods. How is it that of all the children no one is allergic to gluten or struggles with red dye #whatever? And once they discover I actually use store bought bread that is non-organic, I get an earful on the health merits of freshly ground grains and cost benefits.
I homeschool, but since I use a curriculum that I did not devise myself I obviously didn’t poor enough time and stress into the process. If I was really good at this parenting thing, I would just unschool and let my kiddos discover the world for themselves using intuition and free play. Since I don’t lead or participate in any co-ops, and my children don’t stay up all hours of the night completing projects and writing assignments to compete against other homeschoolers, my dedication is in question.
Oh my, this game is tiring.
And I don’t want to play.
Moms, can we all just give each other a break, for Heaven’s sake?
If you’ve had a c-section, it probably saved your baby’s life, thank God! The fact that I never have does not make me a better mom. I really do not care if they pull the child out of my nostril, as long as it is breathing. Yes, I take drugs during labor…anything legal they can shoot right through my veins. But if you want to go and feel all the pain, or maybe you feel strongly that God has led YOU to experience childbirth that way, then good on ya’. I don’t personally think homebirth is the way to go, I believe it is risky and unsafe. But if YOU are convinced, then it is your risk. No points given and no medal received. Breastfeeding is wonderful, when it works. The only people who give bonus points for these kinds of things are the people who have no idea how completely unimportant each of these decisions are when it comes to RAISING AN AMAZING CHILD.
What you feed them (organic or Lucky Charms and Mickey D’s) pales in importance to how you feed them – all around the dining room table discussing the day and laughing together. Where you educate them or what curriculum you use is miniscule if the child does not value education, experience, exposure, and hard work and then decide to become a life-long learner. Co-ops are wonderful for filling in gaps where parents feel inadequate to teach, but if mom is spending more time running around, then are you really HOMEschooling? If you are never HOME?
It’s like these moms expect some sort of reward or trophy and deny those of us who don’t play the game or feel their pressure a place on the field.
Ladies, it’s enough to just give your body over to birth a baby. It’s adequate to devote yourself to “training them up in the way they should go.” Let’s not split hairs or attempt to measure excellence. Let’s instead build one another up, encouraging each other…not build ourselves up with ever increasing bragging rights using self-devised scales of sacrifice.
And if you raise chickens and enjoy the eggs because it’s fun, then fantastic! If you send junior to public school, I’m not judging you because I homeschool. I got enough on my plate to be concerned about without discounting any of your decisions. I am just here to encourage you. We may parent differently or disagree on HOW we do things, but I believe with you that we can raise a generation of world-changers. And in some circles I may not go home with a trophy for my decisions on nutrition, child-birth or education…but I know in Heaven, our Exceedingly Great Reward will welcome us and say, “well-done.” And He’s the only one any of us play for anyhow.
lyettereback says
I’m so thankful you all felt encouraged! Thank you for your comments and for all of you who shared the post on facebook or joined as a result of what you read!
michellewiginton says
Ohhhh, I sure needed this reminder! This was like a triple-decker hot carmel sundae, with all the nuts, sprinkles and whipped cream…from God! Thank you for your faithfulness and willingness to share your insight and wisdom with others.
Victoria Kline says
This was an excellent post! I think that many of us have felt that we have had to justify our way of doing things, so we compare, which according to Scripture, is unwise. What is good for me may not be good for you or her and vice versa. Now that my six kids are all grown, turned out godly and successful, by God’s grace and in spite of my and my husband’s mistakes, there is not so much that sense of competition. I had six natural births without drugs, but after being there for ten of my grandchildren’s births, I must have been an idiot to do it that way (although epidurals have gotten better since I delivered.) People need to do what they need to do to survive, if it is not something that is sinful. Otherwise, it’s our choice! I think that moms want to validate what they are doing, so they harp on what you are doing that is different. In the end, like you said, we all are heading for the same thing–godly, God-loving adult children. And God doesn’t call us all to do everything exactly alike. I wish I had more of this mindset, when I was younger, but even that was in His plan. 🙂 You look amazing and your kids and husband are apparently happy. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks!
Lyette Reback says
Thank you Victoria for commenting…it is so helpful and encouraging to hear from moms who have already run the race and can tell us that we can do it too! In my article, it was my prayer that mommas would feel that even though our choices are different and we may be very convinced that WE are RIGHT, our right choice may not be right for someone else or even a top priority. When we encourage each other, we strengthen the body of Christ…and it sounds like that’s your goal too. Thank you again for chiming in!
Neen says
Honestly this has been a super sore subject with me lately. I also have a large family (Only 11) and I just posted on facebook the other day. In fact I am sure that is why my friend posted a link to your blog this morning to my page. You have said it much more kindly than I did, thank you. This mom thing is not easy, I don’t understand why we spend so much time hurting each other. It isn’t motherly.
This was my rant, “I am so amazed at how women can think that they are so right and then criticize everything that asks them to tolerate others. I shared a Similac ad last week that I loved and still do. Those “stereotypes” do exist. Any mom that has sat in the park with her kids knows how to size up another mom right away by what she is wearing and the food she pulls out of her bag. The sad thing is that we woman do just that, and then if you are in a different category then we get rude. Some people missed the point on the ad because they “hate similac” others “hated formula companies and all the additives they force into unsuspecting children” others “hated that breast feeding moms look aggressive”. ALL of you are very aggressive to each other, it is aweful. Back off and shut up. I really feel that you can make your choice but in promoting your beliefs often you are bringing someone else down. WHY? Quit harping on the junk and focus on what is important. Have you forgotten that HEAVEN is the goal – nothing else truly matters. Feeding only organic fruits to my child might help them live 5 more minutes but will it get them to heaven!?! I don’t get why women spend the years of 25 to 55 judging, critizing, catorgorizing, lecturing, researching, and wasting time on such non issues. Do what you know is best for your child. Then love my child as a child of God and stop judging and lecturing me about everything else. Please don’t respond with words that tell me why not vaccinating is more moral than vaccinating or something else like that. Just un-friend me. To those that agree that we need to focus on Heaven and put the rest to the side, I apologize for this rant.”
Thank you for wording it so much better than I did.
Emily says
Wow, thank you for posting this article. I just stumbled on your blog and it has been a breath of fresh air. I have one son who is 9 months old and I have basically spent his whole life so far recovering from his c-section. I have lost all of my friends for one reason or another. Some just were too judgmental (as described in this article) and I had to get their negativity out of my life. Others felt very strongly that I should be a working mom and couldn’t fathom being friends with someone who gave up a great career to be a mom. Others still are just scared of babies (which I will never understand..). Then, I’ve basically allowed myself to be dragged down by all of the momblogs out there lately because they just have me feeling like EVERYTHING that I have been doing is wrong. I am so glad that I stumbled across this article this morning. It has been a real blessing to me as I get my day started. I’ll definitely be saving this and coming back to it. Thank you for your blog and God bless.
Lyette Reback says
Thank you Emily for dropping in and I hope you continue to come and be encouraged. I know it is a hard row to hoe when you have a new baby and you are making different choices than all your friends. Hang in there and God bless!
Emily says
It definitely was a hard row, but my baby was such an incredible blessing and in some ways, I think this experience, as difficult as it has been, has got me going on a path that will with time allow me to become stronger and better than I was before. I am praying that the Lord will allow me to be useful to someone else going through the same thing someday because I sure could have used a friend who was willing to show unconditional love.
Katie says
Found you on instagram and now cant stop reading your blog! So encouraging and straight up. This blog post hit the spot! Thank you.
God Bless!
Lyette Reback says
So glad you came to check us out Katie! Welcome and I am so glad you found the articles encouraging and helpful! God bless you and your family!
Rebecca Barrow says
Very true article!! People are just so hard on themselves and others are too.
Breastfeeding can be difficult and I would love to read about advice, experiences you had on breastfeeding. I have a 4 month old boy named Hunter , 8 year old. cyan .
Have a great day. : D
Rebecca.
Kelly Ochs says
This was quite enjoyable to read. I think the reasons other women try to “one up” us is because they’re insecure. If THEY were completely comfortable in their decisions, they wouldn’t try to worry so much about out doing someone on their personal journey! I thought it was great writing. I haven’t seen you in a long while. I went to elementary school with David and we used to see you guys at Cheeseburgers and More when we had our first babies. I think we each had 3 or 4 then. I saw David at the pediatrician and he said that you all wanted seven! I thought it was great. I think I only had 4, maybe five, at the time. After six miscarriages and a still born baby, I decided the health risks of having more we’re too great, so I stopped at six. You’re family, YOU, sound amazing. I was always so impressed that you homeschooled and made their clothes! I sent mine to school to get a break!! I also wish we would’ve hung around more for you to teach me your ways of getting them to help with chores!! You’re an absolutely incredible mom and I feel anyone who tries to say different is only jealous of how incredible you are! Tell David that Kelly Perry says hello and congrats on an amazing, BEAUTIFUL family!!! <3
Lyette Reback says
Thank you so much Kelly for your encouraging words! I’m so sorry you endured so many losses…That is so tough. God bless you and your family and I’m so glad we are able to connect!
Yvonne E. says
i wish we could have tea together…you’re gold 🙂
Lyette Reback says
I do too Yvonne! Tea and some yummy cake and cookies! xoxo Thank you for your encouragement!