Many times moms assume that because I have this many children I must have easy pregnancies.
Let me assure you that is not so. Some pregnancies have been easier than others, but I have certainly had my challenges.
Like I did a few months ago.
I was excited to get a positive pregnancy test and kept my little secret until I had a special date with David. Since our children are a little older and can now babysit, we have been trying to make it a habit to get out for a date a couple of times per month. We went to our favorite steakhouse where I had leftover gift cards and sat down in our usual booth. As David prayed over our yummy supper, I ended the prayer with, “and thank you for our new baby.”
David was overjoyed. He made a doctors appointment for me later that week, and we decided to wait to tell the children until we had a due date. When we got to the doctor’s office, David and the doctor began their usual banter about triathlons and racing because we have now been good friends for over 20 years. Since I really couldn’t remember the first day of my last period, he sent me for a sonogram.
Once I was up on the table the technician was silent. She never really turned on the video monitor so that we could see what was going on. When she was finished, she asked us to sit outside the doctor’s office and wait for him to speak with us.
Doc explained that they really couldn’t see anything in the sonogram, although the urine and blood test revealed that I was pregnant. “You probably just caught it really early,” he said. “Come back in two days and let’s check your blood levels again.”
But in two days the levels had not increased significantly and within a week it had become obvious that this pregnancy was not going to have a happy ending. Another few days passed and the bleeding began. As best we can decipher, I was probably about eight weeks along.
I had busied myself with the large enough task at hand of running my household and loving on the gaggle of kiddos I had right under my nose. I continued thinking that God could do a miracle or God could decide that this baby I would only hold in heaven…either way I was going to soldier on and keep this to myself. I was all well and fine until about the third day of bleeding when the pain was pretty severe and I went in for a check up. The sonogram and the exam were excruciating and humiliating beyond all belief. My doctor friend had apparently not realized that passing “products of conception” was NOT NORMAL TO ME and showing me the results of said “tissue” after an exam was almost more than I could stomach.
You see, that wasn’t just “tissue” to me. It was a baby. A child. A future and a hope. I already had a name and a Pinterest board full of cute ideas on how to welcome this new little life and bundle of joy. And I wanted to share this with you so you would know….
It hasn’t always been easy. It hasn’t always been pretty and fun and just-so-picture-perfect. I have difficulty and struggles. I want you to know that so when you get the wind knocked out of your sails, you don’t look over here at me and think I can not relate, or that I have never been where you are.
I am sorry to every one of you who has experienced this same loss. I know our hurts are not wasted and I believe He has a reason and a plan. I trust Him and I know He is good even when things in my life aren’t. And for the record, I am extremely grateful for every precious life He has blessed us with but it does not mean I can not be sad or sorry for this wee one I won’t meet this side of eternity. And I pray you know from the depths of my heart that I understand your loss if you have faced a miscarriage, and I pray even more that you know how amazingly He loves you and please allow Him to heal your broken heart. xoxoxo