Wednesday’s post about marital sex went all over the place! I had breached a subject and brought up things that needed to be said, or at least thought about.
But there are two sides to every coin aren’t there? And as much as I would like to say “Just have a solid sexual relationship with your hubby” and BLAM! Everything would be fine…marriage just doesn’t work that way. It takes two to tango…so today I am going to share with you from MY VIEWPOINT what makes a woman feel comfortable enough to rock her man’s world in the bedroom….even after 20 years.
Security.
It takes security. If I am scared about anything, it can hamper my libido or shut me down all together. Fear is in no way an excuse, but it is a valid reason to reconsider what/who is making me feel insecure. From my many conversations with women over the years, this seems to be a common thread.
Security about my body…
If I feel insecure about my body it can obviously be a damper…When Daly Kay was about six months old I remember David and I went on a walk one evening pushing her in the jogger. “What’s wrong?” he asked…he knew things had not quite been the same between us physically since baby DK came on the scene and it was seriously time to address the issues. First, he gets points for just asking. It took guts to ask a new mommy what the matter was and if he could help. He genuinely cared about WHY I had been less than…white hot…and wanted to help me through it! He didn’t bang on his chest and tell me it was my obligation to fulfill his every desire or whim! He loved me. He talked me through it. He gently responded and we worked together.
Obviously, this many children later – his approach was…fruitful. And just to be honest with you, it took until baby number six for me to be completely comfortable in my own post partum skin! So don’t think these things come quick. Sometimes it can take years of encouragement. Yes, husbands, YEARS. Not that you should go YEARS between interludes…I would never suggest that! But it can take years to work through varying issues and the main point is that we never give up on one another and we never throw in the towel on the sexual side of our relationship. You only obligated to her for the rest of your life so you have time to work through it, right? And the other option, NOT working through it…is not a very good option.
Security about his willingness to always take care of me…
If I feel insecure about our financial situation– that too can really ruin a mood. If I feel that our financial security is at risk, I become preoccupied. I need his reassurance, even after 20+ years, that everything is going to be ok. I need to be reassured he will do whatever it takes. And he always has…which…is very freeing. In many many ways.
These are some of the insecurities that have affected ME over the years, your wife likely has her own fears or concerns. The ones I have listed are ones that I have heard commonly over the years of encouraging women in their marriages. Wise is the man who takes time to learn what his wife’s struggles or hinderances are and then seeks to console them. That is how you love a woman through her issues.
Insecurities are best handled with loving protection and encouragement. A husband can protect his wife’s self image by keeping his eyes away from pornography. He can speak encouragingly to her about her physical shape and be thankful for the miracles of life she has brought forth. And he can be patient and understanding while encouraging her postpartum or otherwise to work through their challenges in the bedroom.
Communication.
A woman has got to be talked to. Communicated with. Looked in the eyes. You may not need to have coffee together or warm up to the idea of sex but most women I know have a tough time opening up physically if they haven’t been given the opportunity to open up emotionally through conversation. Most ladies I know want the pillow talk FIRST, not after. Plus, we all know y’all are going to be snoring in less than five minutes after the party anyhow. Talk to us. When you open up to us in conversation we open up in the bedroom.
For me…if I know my man will provide, protect, and communicate with me out of love, devotion and respect, I’m ready to ride. 😉
Colleen Tress says
Husbands, pay attention to this post…Lyette nailed it on this one! ! I couldn’t agree more on EVERYTHING that was written! Good job, Lyette!
Lyette Reback says
Thank you Colleen! Glad you agreed! I could only speak from my limited perspective, but figured it was at least mostly applicable to many moms after all these years of helping families. Thanks for your encouragement!
Kaley Thompson says
Lyette,
I have been reading over many of your posts today and looking at everything on your website. This blog entry stuck out to me so much. As a newly wed, thank you for being open about the realities of marriage and sex. In our 7 month marriage journey so far, these topics have been the hardest to learn because they’re mostly “hush, hush” throughout the church. Thank you for being a Godly voice for the things that He cares about that most of His people don’t have the guts to share. Please, continue to be open.
Blessings,
Kaley
Lyette Reback says
Thank you so much Kaley for your encouragement! I certainly will continue…seems like any article I write about sex goes haywire! I wondered if it was because of curiosity or if it was a genuine need for our readers….responses like yours let me know it is an unmet need. Please, feel free to give me ideas on how I can help and what I can write about – send them to me through facebook and I will gladly, discreetly, cover any topic you want.