I remember almost 15 years ago, the Monday after Mother’s Day I was taking my friend Tracy out to dinner. I walked into her living room and was about bowled over by the beauty and lingering scent of several stunning floral arrangements. Surprised, I asked if I had missed her birthday.
No, she replied, those were her Mother’s day gifts from her father, father-in-law, and several brothers-in-law.
I was shocked.
To date, I had four daughters. Daly Kay, my oldest, was 6. My days were long and challenging and many nights still sleepless. Those of you with only younger ones, you know what kind of days I am talking about. Those of you with grown children, hopefully you remember. Every year I approached Mother’s Day with ideas of a grandiose breakfast while lying in bed, a leisurely morning preparing to go to church, a lovely brunch afterwards and my day filled with sweet cards and gifts and maybe even a bike ride wearing my favorite straw hat.
But that’s never what happened.
We always awoke late, and we were stressed trying to get to church. The rest of my day was spent going from one house to the next or one brunch to the next honoring my mom or my mother-in-law. And not that they didn’t deserve it…they absolutely did. But my gifts for them never seemed adequate and somehow between taking tired and cranky kids to and from the lunch table or trying to participate in conversation, I left the day feeling as if I had failed in honoring them enough while giving up any semblance of the day for me.
Every year I went to bed emotionally and physically exhausted and feeling lost and forgotten in a day that I felt was really meant more for those of us still in the trenches. What about us moms in the day to day dirty diapers, sports practices, homework and stress of raising up a family? I wanted to honor my mom and my mother-in-law, but spending most of the day doing so always left me feeling forgotten.
That’s why when I went to Tracy’s house that night and saw all those beautiful flowers that the entire family had sent to all the mommies, I decided that would be my tradition too with my children when they became parents. When my children were grown I would remember these feelings and choose to focus on my daughters and daughters-in-law still so deep in the struggle. I share this piece of my heart with you because in case any of you have a hard time expressing why Mother’s Day makes you an emotional wreck to your husbands for the same reasons I struggled, maybe you can stem some of that by sharing this post with him. Or your mom. Or your mother-in-law. Or maybe you can just send me a wink and I’ll know that Mother’s Day is a tough day for you. Tough in terms of expectations of you, for you, from you and even sometimes by you. Over the years I have mostly overcome this by choosing to just begin our own traditions and I have stopped trying to please everyone else. I do my best, and if that’s not good enough, I have to let it go. I spend every day of the year trying to honor them best by raising these children in such a way that they can be proud.
And that is truly the best gift any of us could ever give.
Jacqueline says
Thank you from the depths of my soul for sharing this. I wish we could have coffee and be friends! I’ll settle for sipping coffee while I read your posts…today in tears as it speaks to where I am at but cannot change. Thank you for your words of grace. Happy Mother’s Day!!! You are a treasure and a gift from God to us moms in trenches alone. May the Lord bless you today and this mother’s day. ♡♡♡
Lyette Reback says
Love love love to you…and remember, you are never in the trenches alone…Jesus is with you. I am with you. Big hugs to you and Happy Mother’s Day!
Rachel godin says
Thank you.
Rachel godin says
And I shared this with my husband, because you said it better than I could. 😉
Lyette Reback says
So glad Rachel…much love to you and your family!
Sara says
Sigh. That is such truth. I enjoy reading your blog. I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day.
Amanda says
LOVE this!!!! Happy Mother’s Day!
Lyette Reback says
Happy Mother’s Day to you dear friend!
Michelle says
LOVE and big time confirmation for me….last night, I sat down and sent my “moms” and all my sisters gourmet cookies….because I wanted them to FEEL special and I felt the same way as you most of the time. Feeling happier today that I did a good thing for them….and hopefully shared God’s love with them, too!
Lyette Reback says
So wonderful Michelle. So many times I can beat the sadness by finding a simple way to serve someone else. Seeing the joy in their eyes takes the focus off myself. Great idea and much much love to you my friend!
Christine says
You know, I never really thought of that! I was too busy making plans for my mom, in-laws, sister-in-laws and even for myself not really celebrating Mother’s Day as being for me. We are pretty good at putting ourselves on the back burner! Thanks for this.
Lyette Reback says
I hope you enjoy your day with your family! God bless you and yours!
Stephanie Perry says
In the past, I struggled with Mother’s Day. It was always a tough day for my Mom. My Dad many years ago told her on Mother’s Day he was leaving; he didn’t love her; and he didn’t know if he ever loved her. Pretty rough! Later in my own life, I suffered 2 late miscarriages, (24weeks & 28weeks). I was the mother with no child to hold. Devastating! But, God in His mercy, first saved me, and then blessed me with four beautiful daughters – two by marriage & two through birth. I guess with the varying experiences I tried to avoid having expectations for Mother’s Day. Except a nap: I still long to be able to take a nap!
Lyette Reback says
Wow, that’s a tough one Stephanie. All those scenarios really make it difficult! I pray that this Mother’s Day you get a good solid nap. And some chocolate. And here’s a big hug from me…much love to you!
Kristin says
Lyette, I completely gave up on the Mother’s Day hype when I had my fourth child on May 1, bringing him home to a one year old, three year old, and five year old. I was two weeks into this shocking phase of my life when good ole Mother’s Day rolled around. What did I get as a gift? A heather gray tshirt with a burnout velvet image of Mickey Mouse. And that’s it. True story. I was crushed. Looking back, I realize my hubs was pretty sideswiped by the parents-of-four-under-the-age-of-five thing himself.
On Mother’s Day, I now deliberately reflect on how fortunate I am to parent five extremely active kids, because the constant self-sacrifice in my life gives me that tiny glimpse into the weighty and true sacrifices of Christ for me. For me, that knowledge is THE gift of Mother’s Day.
Lyette Reback says
Kristin, that’s terrible…Mickey Mouse shirt…that’s nearly as bad as my toilet overflow story. Actually, it might top it because the septic tank backing up was an accident, and someone had to purchase that t shirt of yours. You are so wise though to realize that your hubby was in just as much “treading water” mentality as you were. Sometimes when we are hurt we forget to think about why or how the other person came to the conclusion that they did (in your hubby’s case, that a T shirt was a good idea!). I love your solution! Focusing on the gifts of parenting and how the sacrificial role of motherhood is so wise. I also began a few traditions AHEAD of Mother’s Day that we celebrate as a family privately…and then try and find other mamas to bless in my neighborhood on the actual holiday. Love your heart and your story, thank you so much for sharing! xoxo
Ana says
THANK YOU! I’m sending a “wink”… 😉 enough said…
Lyette Reback says
Big hugs. Much love to you!
Charity L. Boisseau says
This was so well said! Beautifully written! Happy Mother’s Day!!!
Lyette Reback says
Thank you so much Charity! Happy Mother’s Day to you.
Vicki says
my children are now grown, ages 30 and 28. When they were 2 and 5 we went to my mom’s on Mother’s Day, carried a cheesecake and a gift. The next week I got a letter telling me never to do that again, that my children were always sick (they were not sick at the time, I would not have gone) and I didn’t know how to raise my children. Can you imagine my broken heart? The relationship with my mom never mends, she is obviously ill, and with what I don’t know. But I will spend my life telling MY children what GOOD parents they are. I will brag on their children and I will never turn them away – sick or not! I love my family and want to spend my life building them up Encouraging them and showing them the LOVE that my mother refuses to show to her family. I love my mother, she IS my mom, but I choose to love my family with the love of God, encouraging and building up my family, not tearing it down. That is how I can now say, Happy Mother’s Day!
Lyette Reback says
Vicki, that is heartbreaking! What a tragedy! Much much love to you and as you have proven, the hurts we suffer we can turn around and use for the benefits of others. All my best to you for a wonderful Mother’s Day and may God bless your family!
angela says
thank you for your reaching out ….. even in the not so bright aspects of motherhood. We never know we are being “a good mom” and would like to be acknowledged for such the effort we do put forward. We all go through different phases in our journey and do we ever feel adult? I know I don’t … somedays, I feel just plain old and tired. Over the years, i have come to learn that you are given a family… my mother, sadly is incapable of bonding or any emotional relationship with me… and i have been wise to seek out other mentors as a mother figure and grandmother figure to my children. This became more than evident when my husband passed away a few years ago at the age of 42, or two days before his birthday. Not only am I “mom” now, but dad too. so if you ever feel the need to add one more friend to your world, seek me out. May THIS year be the best Mothers Day ever! Not just for one fleeting moment, but for the entire year !!!
-angie
Lyette Reback says
All my best Angela. What a tough, tragic, and trying time you must be walking through. You have done the right thing in finding other mothers who can stand in the gap for you and with you. Mentoring moms are the best and I wish more older, wiser, and experienced moms would reach out to those of us in the trenches. If you have found some, then hang on to them! God bless you and I am so glad you have come to the bog so I can “meet” you!